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Is He The Right Man For Me?

anita — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 10:15:48 +0000

I came across a good article by Dr Rakesh Chopra.

Perhaps you have been dating a man who seems to be very caring, loving & supportive. You wonder & want to seek relationship advice, “Is he the right man for me?” How do you know if Mr. Right is going to be that man who will be willing to commit to a meaningful relationship & is a person who you can feel comfortable with for the rest of your life? Here are a few guidelines that might help you make that decision.

When relationships begin, each person is putting on their best face. Of course we don’t want the other person to know that down deep inside of us, we are really insecure & have characteristics about ourself that we keep hidden. It is not until the relationship becomes committed or the legal binding of marriage occurs that it is safe to begin to allow that aspect to surface, with less fear that your partner is going to leave you. This is true for everyone on some level, whether one is conscious or unconscious about those insecurities.

It is common for that shadow side to surface after a commitment is made in the relationship, leaving feelings of disappointment. The biggest flaws will be the deepest hidden. There are qualities of a man to look for that will let you know that your man is capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. And this indeed forms the relevant part of relationship advice.

How does your man handle conflict or resolve differences?

Does he become quiet and refuse to discuss the problem? Or is he willing to communicate about the differences & help to resolve the situation in a loving way? Communication is essential to a successful relationship. If your man shows signs of withdrawing, pouting, or becomes angry when a conflict arises, it is a major sign of emotional immaturity. Both partners need to be able to address a problem by sharing their views & emotions without blaming the other. You cannot resolve a problem if he refuses to talk about it or isn’t emotionally connected well enough to know what he is feeling. If there is no possibility of conflict, then perhaps the intimacy in the relationship may not be easily established. That doesn’t mean that conflict is necessary, but it does mean that he should be willing to take the initiative to openly discuss difficult/controversial subjects & move out of any conflicting situation very easily. The relationship will then deepen.

Does your man value your happiness?

A successful relationship is maintained by both the partners by respecting & honoring their love by committing to each other’s best interests. If you are with a man who doesn’t cherish your love, but is only concerned with his own happiness, be very wary. He should be willing to go beyond his own self interests & see the worth of honoring those values that you aspire to & hold dear. If you value financial responsibility then his life should show his commitment to a job & being sensible with debt. And if family values are important to you then he must spend maximum time with the family. The relationship advice will be that your happiness must be his priority.

Is your man considerate?

A man should be dependable. Does he show up when he says he will? Does he say he is going to call & you don’t hear from him? You should be able to know that he stands by his word & you can trust him to be there when he says he is. To be in a successful relationship you should be able to lean on your man, knowing that he will be willing to be there for you. Thus you will never feel the need of any relationship advice.

How to Know the Difference Between Love, Infatuation and Lust

anita — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 06:28:27 +0000

While there’s no clear, fool-proof way to decipher your feelings for someone, there are certain ways to make the distinction between love, lust and infatuation clearer for yourself.

Could it be love?

Write down everything that you associate with the person you’re feeling strongly about. Example words on your brainstorm list could include love, butterflies, holding hands, annoying, snoring, gorgeous, etc.
Circle each attribute with a different color such as red for lust, yellow for infatuation, and green for love.
See which of the three feelings dominates the page. If one doesn’t stand out (as if the distribution seems pretty equal), move on to the following steps for more insight.
Or is it lust?

Read literature on the topic. Questions about love are timeless questions that have consumed mankind throughout the ages and are a major theme in many scriptures, tales from mythology, and literature. Read the story of David and Bathsheba from the Old Testament, 1st Corinthians from the New Testament, the story of Ali and Fatima, Echo and Narcissus, or Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.
Ask your friends or, if you find it easier, ask a complete and utter stranger, so that you get an honest opinion and an outsider’s point of view. Tell that person how you feel, and ask them if it sounds primarily like love, infatuation, or lust.
Watch a movie that relates to your situation like “Cruel Intentions” (which is about lust, and wanting what you can’t have), “Down to You” (which is about love and leaving it all down to the other person), “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” (which is about none of them really but it’s about making a mistake and putting it right), “The Notebook,” which tells a tale of life-long love and commitment, “The Phantom of the Opera” (which is about both lust, infatuation and, eventually, pure, true, self-sacrificing love) and definitely, “Titanic” (which is about holding on to someone forever until you die – that is love – bittersweet love), also, perhaps, “The Fly” (which is about a woman who falls in love with a man who turns into a fly and then goes insane, and yet remains deeply emotionally attached through this agonizing life change – which is love) or High Fidelity (which is about learning what love really is). Yet, understand that movies are fictions that depict idealized rather than realistic love.

Tips

Love is usually pure and a feeling that is mildly possessive but with lots of care, too; infatuation can be detected easily, when a persons says he loves someone, but is unwilling to talk, make any eye contact, or willing to do anything at all, but stay away, remaining shy. You’ll know you are infatuated when you can’t think of ANY faults of that person. Everyone’s got faults; KNOWING his doesn’t make your love “less pure”. Lust can be known if your “love” shifts easily from one person to another, and lust is usually expressed through short physical/emotional (but mostly physical) relationships.
Love is when you love the whole person (spirit, heart, mind and body), lust is when you only love part of them, which means that you see only part of the person as having value and that the whole person is not valuable.
Keep in mind that in most relationships, you’re feeling all three (love, infatuation, and lust) all at once, to some degree.
To help you make tough decisions about your relationship, ask someone you trust who has lots of experience with the kind of relationship you want for yourself. For example: say you want to be happily married to one person for life. If your parents have both been bitterly divorced three times, then they are probably not the ones to talk to. On the other hand, if they are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary of bliss together, then they may be ideal to learn from.
Lasting relationships are those that are built on love – not infatuation or lust. Imagine the person you love in 50 years when they are old and fat. Would that change how you feel about them? If yes, then what you feel now is most likely lust/infatuation – not love.
Friendship should also weigh into your decision to commit. In 50 years, if you don’t genuinely LIKE your mate, you’re going to be miserable.
Remember that jealousy is not a result of love. It is more likely to be a result of infatuation, insecurity or fear of being alone. Are you in love with being in relationships?
A major life-changing decision like moving in together, getting engaged or getting married should be a natural step if you love someone. It should not inspire fear.
Take advantage of the post coital “moment of clarity” to examine your feelings. This is not usually the moment directly after orgasm (where most people are happy with the universe), but 5 or 10 minutes later, when your breathing and heart rate are normal. At this point, does the sex still make you feel closer to that person? Or are you beginning to feel regret and anxiety about what happened? If the latter, then it’s most definitely not love but lust.
Give it some time. Love takes root slowly and grows with time. Infatuation grows into full bloom almost immediately.
Keep in mind that “True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be.” (Unknown)
Consider what comes to mind when you think about this person. If you are not dating the person, think if you are eager to spend time with them or you just want to watch them from a distance. If you are in a relationship with the person, what do you want most out of the relationship. If you just want to consummate love to the person it is usually lust. If you want to be with them, learn about them, and maybe someday have a sexual relationship, you are probably in a good mix of all three.

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Warnings

If you’re not sure about your feelings or your relationship, take things slowly, introspect. Spend time apart and see how you are feeling while you are away. Do you miss the person? Or are you more attracted to others when you are apart?

You may also want to consider the fact that it’s not always as easy as being one of these three things; often there are a lot of grey areas, the distinctions are blurred, and it is very possible to feel two or even all of these feelings for a person. Just know that lust is not a GOOD thing when it comes to the interest of only one person in the relationship.

Romantic love is not an “eternal truth of the universe” for all relationships. As a concept, romantic love has only been in practise for a few hundred years. Don’t assume that that it is a requirement for a happy life long relationship, or that the most effective environment for finding such love is by dating. You may never feel ‘in love’ with the person who might be the perfect mate. You might just have someone who you decided you would like to make it work with. ‘Love’ or ‘no love’, both types of relationships require work to make them last.

How to Know if He Is Your Soulmate

anita — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 06:09:08 +0000

Most people long to find that person, that represents someone other then themselves, and they usually find someone opposite to who they are or just someone that has things in common with them. They find themselves complaining and asking questions, wondering if they will ever find someone that’s perfect for them.

If they are someone that finishes off every line or sentence you say that is a very quick sign to identify, that they are your soulmate. This usually could take place when you have your first phone conversation, or if you are on your first few dates with them. Although you wont really think much of it, as it’s only just the beginning of getting to know each other.
If they like all the things your really into, they could just be the one and share similar interest that you have. This is a positive thing.
Often times when you have bad day, and you don’t want him/her to know how bad your feeling, because you feel you might put them down, don’t be surprised if they know something’s wrong.
The only people that know when there is something wrong with you, or your not in your right state of mind e.g.: your significant other can pick up on it, and that is the only person that really cares enough about you that way to know you. This is a very sure definite sign that they are truly your soul mate. You cannot go wrong with that one.

Tips

Spend more and more time with them to be sure, as when you go on other dates with other people, you can compare what they don’t have to that soulmate
Find out what you like about them.
Always give eye contact
Let your special silent moments, wiss away with silence you never know what might be said or thought
Give them time to realize that you are their soulmate too
If he/she does not mention anything within a decent amount of time, then be the one to bring it up.
Make sure you’re in a place comfortable, and that you’re alone together to speak about how you feel for them.

2009 Resolution

anita — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 04:01:33 +0000

Now is almost the end of November 2009. That means I only have another month to fulfill my 2009 resolution. Let’s review them now:

1. Get married

I almost got this one done…. but things just didn’t work out between us, and I don’t see why I need to get married to the wrong guy for the sake of my resolution. (and then feel misserable for the rest of my life)

2. Salary above ***

I don’t move to another company or get any promotion this year. (all in the sake of love… hahaha…) I had another offer which if I took it, then this point will be done. but at that time, my priority in life changes.

3. Reduce Weight

Finally…. something I managed to accomplish. so far I lost more than enough. I’m not sure how… maybe the stress or the food or the will.. hehe

4. Start building my own business

Hmm… like I said my priority in life has changed. I dont want to fulfill this one anymore. I’m not sure why I put it last year.

Hmm… let’s see the result. 1 out of 4 is not a good one. I don’t know why I fail reaching my own resolution for this year. I need to focus more next time to achieve it. (can I achieve it in 1 month?)

I’m in the progress of planning my 2010 resolution.

Mr Perfect’s flaws

anita — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:54:18 +0000

I told you before that nobody is perfect. And it is true…

Yesterday I had a really really hard and serious conversation with Mr Perfect. I was telling him about my failure wedding plan. I figured since I wanted to start a serious relationship, he need to know all about it.

He listened attentively and responded calmly. no biggies there. But then it was his turn. His story is far more shocking than mine.

Here we go…..

His past relationship was going too far, and he had almost had a child from her. She was pregnant in 2006, and that was why they were going to get married. [ooh... as much as I wanted to look cool on the surface, but deep inside it was really really hard to deal with]. But they lost the baby on the first trimester. and they kept on quarelling after that. the next half year they were still together and seeing counseling for their problem. But it still didnt work out. they broke up mid 2007, leaving him with a big wound in his heart. the scar remained for the next year, so he was traumatized to start a new relationship with another girl.

That was his turning point. He decided to change himself and follow Jesus. He started to go to morning mass daily, join the Praise and Worship, read the Bible everyday.

ok so both of us had scars in our heart. and we were not planning to have one again. so we really wanted to make this one to work out. we realized that it needs 2 persons to fight for a relationship together. not just 1.

Surrender yourself to God

anita — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:06:16 +0000

“Aku ini hamba Tuhan, terjadilah padaku menurut perkataan Mu.”

During my pray this afternoon I came across these words. These are the words used by Mother Marry right after God told her that she will be pregnant with His child.

I know in this modern world, sometimes it is difficult to do as God says. We always think about what other people would think. And YES it matters for us nowadays. We don’t think what God would think about us, instead worrying about other people too much.

I need to surrender myself to God more often now.

Do you want to be with Mr Perfect?

anita — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:16:05 +0000

There is an old proverb saying “Nobody is perfect”, and it is true. everybody must have something, any…. flaws.

I’ve met some people in my life who can be categorized as Mr Perfect. one of them is Mr Perfect 2 (I wrote about him down there…. the post before this one).

The question is now….. Do I want to be with Mr Perfect….. forever? The forever part would be just an exclamation as forever is a really heavy word. You can never really predict that you will be with someone forever, not untill you say “I DO” in front of the altar. I know this because it happens to me not so long ago. but anyway, those are in the past and we need to move on.

Mr Perfect seems just too perfect. too good to be true. Sometimes I keep on wondering where is he hiding all this time? Why didnt I meet him few years back…. saving me from all the troubles and heartache. But those are the mistery of life. God has created everything even before I was born. so well… I have to thank Him for everything.

Now… back to the real question. Do I want to be with Mr Perfect? He offered me everything I could never dream of. He wanted me to meet his family and relatives. Oh, this is definately a good sign. But again, we stumbled upon the same original question. Do I want to be with him? I mean it is logicaly correct. why would I (or he) want to waste more money and time if we are going no where?

Midnight last night…. he gave a sermon on the phone… to me…. I felt soooo unreligious… hahaha…. but maybe it is true. I havent surrender all my decision to God.

Mr Perfect part 2

anita — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:09:58 +0000

I know I’ve written about Mr Perfect before. and yes, at that time, the perfectness that I see is mainly human. and I realized that things can easily be changed once God says so.

Now I met another Mr Perfect. and his perfection is from God. He can guide me dirrectly to God.

Up to now, I still havent found his flaws. or still (just like the first part of Mr Perfect), his perfectness is his flaw.

One thing for sure…. God had sent him to cheer me up, lift me off my burden and color part of my life. (only God knows for how long…)

Haven’t met you yet

anita — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:58:16 +0000

I’m Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It’ll All Turn Out
You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

Mmmmm ….

I Might Have To Wait
I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Timing
And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It’s Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ……

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

They Say All’s Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won’t Need To Fight It
We’ll Get It Right
And We’ll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm …..

And Someday I Know It’ll All Turn Out
And I’ll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I’ll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It’ll All Turn Out
And You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

I Just Haven’t Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love …..
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet
Love Love Love …..
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

This poem is taken from a song

anita — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 09:21:37 +0000

Are you a man who loves and cherishes and cares for me?

Are you a guard in prison maximum security?

Do you stay home all the time beacuse you want me to yourself?

Or do you stay locked away in fear I’ll find someone else?

Is this a relationship
Forfilling your needs as well as mine?
Is that you? Is that you? Is that you?
Or is this just my sentence
Am I doin time?
Is this love real real love
Then stayin lowdown
But if im just love perisoner
Then im bustin out

Boy you auta be ashamed of yourself
What the hell do you think your doing
Lovin me, lovin me so wrong
Baby all I do is try
To show you that your mine
One and only guy
No matter who may come along
Open your eyes cause baby I don’t like

Well I don’t like
Livin under your spotlight

Just because you think I might
Find sombody worthy

I don’t like
And I don’t
Livin under your spotlight

Maybe if you treat me right

You won’t have to worry